realizations at the show

below are notes i jotted down on my iphone between sets at the doug fir a few nights ago... deep thoughts, y'all.

coming to terms with the girl i might never be.

1. i might never be the girl behind the tall guy escorting her through the crowd.

2. ok forewarning, these might all be about guys... i might never be the girl with the guy behind her swaying back and forth. softly kissing her neck at ever so cute points in the song.

3. i happily will never be the girl awkwardly gyrating in the crowd, eyes closed because she's usually so drunk one would question whether she even realizes she's in public, at a very crowded show.

yup coming to grips with the fact that i am not these girls and might never be... some points easier to accept than others.

lost in the trees... clearly i am still mush

And pains made me who i am
But I don't want your pity please
I've learned more than I could share
I healed my heart
On a walk in the dark
On a walk in the dark

And the loves made me who i am
Don't be afraid you've hurt me
I'm stronger than you think
I healed my heart
Let it glow in the dark
Let it glow in the dark

And through this life
I've learned to love
What I've become
I've learned to love
What I've become
What I've become

tend the garden, build the stone wall, what are we hiding?

My mind has been wandering… as my feet often do, without will or direction and often not knowing the purpose until at my unintended destination. So as I often don’t know where my thoughts and actions will lead me, I also don’t know where this half baked post will lead... But so be it. I feel compelled to type.

It’s difficult building something new with another person. You can’t help but plant pieces of your past into your current relationship and wait to see what blossoms. Sometimes these lead to great outcomes. Beautiful bounties to harvest. Other times, they cause those things that you cherish so dearly to lay dormant and never blossom into anything. Even worse they become little ticking time bombs waiting to detonate at any given moment or drop of the wrong statement.

Oh man I am turning into mush. My very sparse posts have mainly been about boys. I have issues.

re: boys post...

so as a person that has recently shaken off a very heavy, tumultuous and fortunately short lived relationship - i feel it necessary to update my recent post boys where i detailed qualities that i value in a mate... WELL. after careful contemplation and a big dose of real world experience... allow me to adjust my list a bit! This time in VERY purposeful order!!

Happy
Warm
Trusts in commitment
Patient and understanding
Humble with his intelligence
Spontaneous and giving
Appreciates and reciprocates small doses of sarcasm
Nurtures relationships with family and friends
An active listener that communicates with compassion for others
Enjoys to wander without a needed destination
Hungry to learn and experience new things
Encourages me to be who i am
Job or career that brings him joy and sense of pride
Assertive, ambitious and honest without being a dick
Self deprecating to a point, but not to a fault
Wakes up early even though he doesn't have to
At least shows some concern over the shoes he wears
Clever and witty
Compassionate to animals (especially little annoying boston terriers)
Listens to talk radio
Can be moved and inspired by music

And really at the end of the day someone that loves LOVE and understands that it requires effort, but knows it doesn't have to be a battle.

live now

Day after Easter

Thank you zombie jesus this day has seriously flown by! My mind only wander away from my work - maybe a half dozen times. And the weather flipped/flopped from sunny and pleasant to rain and windy just about double that. Ahh Spring. She is a finicky beast.

boys.

So a good friend of mine just sent me a list of qualities he is looking for in a woman. It got me thinking about what I am looking for in a mate. It's funny becuase I am so unbearably picky and hard to please and I wonder if this is because I haven't actually written out exactly what I am looking for in a man... So without further ado... my list of what I would like in a mate.

Trusting
Understanding
Intelligent
Spontaneous
Warm
Hungry to learn and experience new things
Active listener that communicates with purpose
Clever
Witty
Nurtures/cherishes relationships with friends and family
Job or career that brings him joy and sense of pride
Can be moved, touched and inspired by music
Has a close relationship with his family
Assertive without being a dick
Ambitious without being a dick
Self deprecating to a point, but not to a fault
Wakes up early even though he doesn't have to
At least shows some concern over the shoes he wears
Can inspire me to be and do more
Enjoys to wander without a needed destination
Honest
Compassionate to animals
Listens to talk radio
Well read
Sarcastic
Civic/community involvement
Patient
Happy