the inner vagabond

realizations at the show

2011-05-31T10:16:00.000-07:00

below are notes i jotted down on my iphone between sets at the doug fir a few nights ago... deep thoughts, y'all.

coming to terms with the girl i might never be.

1. i might never be the girl behind the tall guy escorting her through the crowd.

2. ok forewarning, these might all be about guys... i might never be the girl with the guy behind her swaying back and forth. softly kissing her neck at ever so cute points in the song.

3. i happily will never be the girl awkwardly gyrating in the crowd, eyes closed because she's usually so drunk one would question whether she even realizes she's in public, at a very crowded show.

yup coming to grips with the fact that i am not these girls and might never be... some points easier to accept than others.

lost in the trees... clearly i am still mush

2010-12-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

And pains made me who i am
But I don't want your pity please
I've learned more than I could share
I healed my heart
On a walk in the dark
On a walk in the dark

And the loves made me who i am
Don't be afraid you've hurt me
I'm stronger than you think
I healed my heart
Let it glow in the dark
Let it glow in the dark

And through this life
I've learned to love
What I've become
I've learned to love
What I've become
What I've become

tend the garden, build the stone wall, what are we hiding?

2010-12-30T16:39:00.000-08:00

My mind has been wandering… as my feet often do, without will or direction and often not knowing the purpose until at my unintended destination. So as I often don’t know where my thoughts and actions will lead me, I also don’t know where this half baked post will lead... But so be it. I feel compelled to type.

It’s difficult building something new with another person. You can’t help but plant pieces of your past into your current relationship and wait to see what blossoms. Sometimes these lead to great outcomes. Beautiful bounties to harvest. Other times, they cause those things that you cherish so dearly to lay dormant and never blossom into anything. Even worse they become little ticking time bombs waiting to detonate at any given moment or drop of the wrong statement.

Oh man I am turning into mush. My very sparse posts have mainly been about boys. I have issues.

re: boys post...

2010-10-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

so as a person that has recently shaken off a very heavy, tumultuous and fortunately short lived relationship - i feel it necessary to update my recent post boys where i detailed qualities that i value in a mate... WELL. after careful contemplation and a big dose of real world experience... allow me to adjust my list a bit! This time in VERY purposeful order!!

Happy
Warm
Trusts in commitment
Patient and understanding
Humble with his intelligence
Spontaneous and giving
Appreciates and reciprocates small doses of sarcasm
Nurtures relationships with family and friends
An active listener that communicates with compassion for others
Enjoys to wander without a needed destination
Hungry to learn and experience new things
Encourages me to be who i am
Job or career that brings him joy and sense of pride
Assertive, ambitious and honest without being a dick
Self deprecating to a point, but not to a fault
Wakes up early even though he doesn't have to
At least shows some concern over the shoes he wears
Clever and witty
Compassionate to animals (especially little annoying boston terriers)
Listens to talk radio
Can be moved and inspired by music

And really at the end of the day someone that loves LOVE and understands that it requires effort, but knows it doesn't have to be a battle.

live now

2010-04-22T14:50:00.001-07:00

Day after Easter

2010-04-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you zombie jesus this day has seriously flown by! My mind only wander away from my work - maybe a half dozen times. And the weather flipped/flopped from sunny and pleasant to rain and windy just about double that. Ahh Spring. She is a finicky beast.

boys.

2010-03-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

So a good friend of mine just sent me a list of qualities he is looking for in a woman. It got me thinking about what I am looking for in a mate. It's funny becuase I am so unbearably picky and hard to please and I wonder if this is because I haven't actually written out exactly what I am looking for in a man... So without further ado... my list of what I would like in a mate.

Trusting
Understanding
Intelligent
Spontaneous
Warm
Hungry to learn and experience new things
Active listener that communicates with purpose
Clever
Witty
Nurtures/cherishes relationships with friends and family
Job or career that brings him joy and sense of pride
Can be moved, touched and inspired by music
Has a close relationship with his family
Assertive without being a dick
Ambitious without being a dick
Self deprecating to a point, but not to a fault
Wakes up early even though he doesn't have to
At least shows some concern over the shoes he wears
Can inspire me to be and do more
Enjoys to wander without a needed destination
Honest
Compassionate to animals
Listens to talk radio
Well read
Sarcastic
Civic/community involvement
Patient
Happy

2010-03-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's true... though you wouldn't know it by the looks of Portland the past few days. But I have fond memories of fake spring from a few weeks ago. She was a cheeky devil! Fooling me into thinking I could plant some pretty flowers on my porch. The rain has practically pummeled all the petals off. :(

Speaking of...

2010-03-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

here are a few things that make me smile.

2010-03-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

This idea has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I am not a particularly spiritual person. I am painfully "realistic." I believe in free will. I believe we all control our own destinies, nothing is predetermined, that the world is what we decide to make of it - yada, yada. So if these are ideas that I buy into, why then do I decide to hold onto things that clearly hold me back from moving forward? I am aware that these things are stifling my progress yet I continue to hide behind them like a scared puppy cowering behind the sofa trying to avoiding the scolding of a rolled newspaper... I don't get it? But I think it's high time I came out from behind the sofa because at this point I am the only one keeping myself there.

Helvetica to the rescue

2009-04-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to attribute my renewed desire for accomplish that I have been feeling as of late. Well let me take that back a little... I have had the desire to accomplish more in my days, but haven't had the drive to actually make anything happen. Been allowing those pesky internal demons take over decision making for far too long. I think it has been a combination of things but the biggest has to be all the new growth around Portland. Just simply walking down the street and seeing all the flowers and trees in bloom can't help but make you smile and feel inspired to do and be more. It's truly incredible. Never in my life have I seen a city completely explode with new growth. Impossible to ignore.

daily motivation

2009-04-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

nice to know i am not alone. i tend to forget that...

self control

2009-04-02T17:09:00.001-07:00

why do i have such a hard time staying focused? i feel like i keep wasting away my hours on the wrong things. honestly i feel like a tiny little man pops in my head turns off certain quadrants of my brain and then steals my precious, precious time. he's a damn dirty time bandit and he must be stopped!!! thank goodness i have steve lambert on my side developing clever applications that will limit my time on my many time bandit friendly sites such as facebook and twitter.

is it a bad thing that i need and application to impose self control? meh.
http://visitsteve.com/work/selfcontrol/

throw away

2009-03-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

burdens and luxuries. so varying from day to day, person to person. it's become more clear to me with everyday that we are all grappling with creating balance between the two. im sure to a certain extent there are those that think you can have one without the other. i believe these are the same "those" that reside on hilltops in glass houses. though in my limited experience of things - i found the two are not mutually exclusive. to have one, you run the risk of the other. if you have something precious to you, there is always the chance it will become unremarkable or loose value to you. or if you have nothing precious, there is the desire for connectedness to that which can bring joy. again my experience is limited. but is there any one thing that can be pure in the sense that it can be a pure luxury with out the burden? there seem to always be sacrifices involved with any endeavor... anyway these are only half-assed thoughts and questions that just came to me. obviously not thought out. and clearly i haven't had enough coffee yet to full think them through.

pdx(ing)

2008-10-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

yay portland got the thumbs up from stuff white people like... who would have thought.... yeaaaaaah. anywho, i turned 2-5 the other day. weird. super weird. so does that mean i am an adult at this point? i mean - i can now officially rent a car. and i think i get a break on my car insurance. so that's cool and all. but aside from rental cars and insurance - what else does being 25 mean? i don't know and i am too tired to figure it out because it's almost 10pm and i am too tired to think of anything clever. evidently i am old. being 25 means you are tired and old and need to go to bed at 10pm. awesome.

Jav

2008-08-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

I find that I am not the most coordinated and/or graceful being when I first wake up in the morning... this is not to say that I get more coordinated and/or graceful as the day goes on... I am just saying the mornings are especially hopeless for me.
This morning (like the morning before it) I went to go take my first sip of coffee and bashed my coffee cup against my front teeth. I do this so often that I worry I am chipping away my enamel. This is less than ideal seeing as I am still in a self imposed unemployed state and have no health insurance... boo.

passing judgement

2008-08-08T01:06:00.000-07:00

i am a big fan of people watching. i would venture to say that it is beyond a hobby for me and more of a complete and utter fascination. i like to image up little stories about all the innocent bi standards in my eye range.... like the couple chatting over coffee. who are they? are they on a date? no! they just met on the bus and hit it off and now they are talking about how they are both going to the same connor oberst show in a few days.... and so on...
since i have been frequenting airports on the regular these past few years - i have taken up an interest in all the people coming off the flight right before me. where are they flying from? i use their clothing, mannerisms, speech, and overall general appearance as my guide. it can be a bit confusing at times... guy in rader nation gear, girl with cut off mini skirt and lots of make-up, street guy with huge dj headphones on and shelltoe adidas – i am thinking oakland. they totally just flew in from oak. and then the next guy off is wearing 10 gallon stetson cowboy hat and the girl behind him is wearing an ohio state hoodie... and then i am right back where i started. scratching my head. trying to figure out where these people are from.
i swear i am not judgmental.

caio bella

2008-06-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

well i am off to live out my audrey hepburn dreams of a roman holiday.... even though i am not an escaped princess i do plan to eat a lot of gelato and ride around town on a vespa while falling deeply in love with gregory peck. it will happen... just you wait!

so...

2008-06-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

i went to bed last night thinking about things i don't like, but inevitably have done in my life. for example, i don't like wearing socks - would much rather go bare foot. i don't like chocolate - yet i eat it. i don't like sleeping on a pillow that smells like campfire from a recent camping trip. i don't like leaving my dog home alone for more than 8 hours - been there done that. and above all else i don't like spending $4.75 a gallon for a tank of gas and i did that in yesterday. on a side note, i do like project runway and its back on july 16th. me = very happy.

mismatch problem

2008-06-12T12:07:00.001-07:00

so i am not a fan of routines but as of late i have developed a bit of a... let's call it a pattern. i roll out of bed around 6:30am when my dog jumps on my chest - letting me know she's ready to go out and water the lawn. i grab my big ol' cup of coffee and power on the macbook for some early morning surfing. the pattern is fairly simply - check the gmail, perez, twitter, facebook - all the usual suspects that keep me informed and sharp on world happenings... obvi. then i stumble around online until i can see the bottom of the coffee pot. i assume this how many unemployed people (such as myself) spend their mornings. maybe, maybe not. but this is my morning pattern and it thrills me to no end. today i came across a video of malcolm gladwell's "reinventing invention" (to be noted: not actually the topic but a clever title nonetheless) speech he gave at the 2008 new yorker conference back in may. he was speaking about his current obsession of the moment and topic for his new book - the mismatch between common tools of evaluation used in hiring what would be the best people and then said peoples actual level of success in their given field. and he found that in all areas of performance - be it hockey, basketball, teaching, the legal field, even selecting an elected official (bush we're looking at you) - there was no difference in the "in the field" effectiveness/level of success of a person that scores high on a standardize evaluation then the person that scores incredible low. hmmm then what's the point of pouring hours and hours worth of work into putting together these evaluations - if in the end they don't actually predict how well someone is going to do once they are in the job? yeah i have no idea. but it did get me thinking about the reasons i made my recent career shift. one of which was this very idea that malcolm mused on about. as a company grows it must develop ways to evaluate it's people in order to find out who the future leaders are and promote them accordingly. well what happens when those evaluations are mismatched and the "would be" future leaders that scored high on the evaluation are no better skilled or successful once in their job than those that scored low on the evaluation or a schmo from off the street? again, i don't know. and i didn't want to stick around to find out.

eagle vs shark

2008-06-10T09:25:00.001-07:00

i am a fan of the idea of awkward love. maybe it's because i myself have been awkward in love for... oh i don't know... going on 25 years! and though i am not of the school of thought that there is a "one and only" out there - i am a believer that there are people we are meant to meet in our short time on this planet. these people are rare but you know them when you see them and you can't help but be drawn to them no matter how inappropriate they may seem.

2008-06-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

i've been feeling fairly inspired lately. more so than i have in the past 6, 8, 10 months. i am coming to grips with the idea of freedom. it's not as scary and foreign as i once thought. it's edges are limitless and i am ok with that. uncertainty is a factor that i now thrive on. everyday is a new day... and all that other cliche shit.

my imagination will feed my lonely heart

2008-06-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

i was confronted by my past this weekend. it approached me boldly and without warning sucker punched me in the gut while i was sipping my morning coffee. awful. i didn't even see it coming. though i suppose i should have been aware of its advances. i have to admit the perfect storm was brewing in what can be called "plain sight". suppose i just chose not to recognize the flags waving in the cool spring breeze. they were masked by my three new friends growth, passion, and the future. the four of us have taken to the road for some time now. always together and always thinking of new fun and exciting things to do together. i find myself fantasizing about my new friends so much so that it clouds over any other experience i am having at that moment. which explains why i failed to notice my past stomping it's heavy feet straight up to my gut and punching it.

i get so lost

2008-04-07T22:52:00.001-07:00

I think at some point every girl wants to find her Llyod Dobler. I think I am that girl. I think I am at that point.

Is that so wrong?

Listening to Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

being the goose

2008-04-06T13:46:00.001-07:00

I am finding it difficult to "live in the moment" - so to say. In all my daily events I am constantly thinking about what I will do later on, what my next step in life will be, and so on. Why I am finding it so hard to live in the here and now? That was the whole point of this, right? Enjoyment of the "right now".
My thoughts are constantly plagued with the one thing I don't want to... what am I going to do? And not in a "oh I just finished my cup of coffee I wonder if I should go walk over to that book store" kind of way. But in a heart pounding, edge of panic "what am I going to do with my life" sort of way.
I once read a mindful meditation book that suggests the way to experience life full is to be mindful of every action and task you encounter in your day. So if you are washing the dishes pilled in your sink you are mindful of each stroke of your cloth along the dish and the feel of the water running down your hands. You are only thinking of the actions of washing the dishes. It's a quite simple idea and yet I find it virtually impossible and desperately complicated. My mind wants to think about what will happen once I turn around from the sink and walk away. Or my mind wants to run down the list of things I need to get done, emails I need to answer, orders I need to write... this is the wrong things to be thinking. Only thinking about the act of washing the dishes will bring full life experience...
This is the most complicated thing I have heard of.

Currently listening to Bjork - My Juvenile

Baker Beach

2008-04-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Stella and I strolled down to Baker Beach the morning after an all day drinking fest for St. Patrick's Day aka 3/15 = 3/18. The day was wonderful with a light breeze. Just sat on a blanket and read while the hours and the waves swept by. Couldn't help but notice a couple with a packed lunch and huge blanket. They ate then slept on there on the beach in the sun. A slight bit of envy washed over me of their comfort and content.

stumbling to start something new

2008-03-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Well here is my first go around with online journal writing... oh I mean blogging. What was I thinking?! I want to use this medium not for any reason other than to document my thoughts and travels for my own selfish, vain, and cathartic pleasure. By no means will anyone reading this gain any insight into topical issues of any importance outside of the little bubble I live in. Ok so that bubble is a bit nondescript at the moment seeing as how I am on the cusp of changing my life in a very drastic way...

Leave the desert/leave the job

First off my lease is up on my place in Las Vegas. So in a few months I am homeless. Also my sabbatical from work will end around the same time as the lease. Decisions... well I've found the best way to get perspective on something is to take a step back and examine it from another angle. So I am high stepping it up to Oregon and then off onto the open road. What am I hopping to find? Answers? Should I stick with a company I admire and a job that I love? Stay in a town that I am not emotionally, culturally or visually stimulated by? Or start a new somewhere outside of the Silver State? Nah. Why bother searching for answers when I am so good at creating questions for myself!

Ultimately I am just looking to create more stories and experiences I can look back at later in life and laugh at. Happiness always sounded like a nice place to live.